I received an email today from our accountant that our annual taxes are complete and ready to be picked up, signed, and mailed. And in those very few seconds it took to read her email, I felt a flash of IRS-related terror like never before because a terrifying thought occurred to me: what if I pick up our returns and we actually owe $15,327 or some other equally ridiculous number?
Other items on my list of irrational things to worry about:
- We’ve noticed a trend of busses parking in our parking lot for an extended amount of time for no apparent reason. I worry perhaps one day 70 passengers will get off and each order a baby pie one at a time on a day when we are completely understaffed, out of baby boxes, and out of plastic forks.
- Speaking of baby boxes, we are out of them currently. We are even out of our emergency baby boxes. I worry perhaps that tomorrow will be the one day that UPS doesn’t arrive at 10 am, but arrives at 5 pm…thereby forcing me to again disclose my sub par tenure as Director of Procurement to everyone who wonders why they are buying a 5 inch baby pie boxed in a 9 inch pie box.
- 96% of the phone calls today were from customers placing their Easter orders. I worry that the masses won’t think to place an order and instead be disappointed when they arrive at PJP Buttonwood at 12:30 Saturday afternoon and find no 12-inch coconut meringue pie readily available.
- I worry that if Jeanne makes us listen to the Coffeehouse playlist on Spotify one more time, I may just slowly begin to weep at the opening notes of a John Denver cover.
- I worry that I’ll forget to login in and do all these ridiculous but MANDATORY government surveys and I’ll end up in a minimum security federal prison on the theory that I don’t like surveys and I need a personal assistant to help me remember to do things instead of thinking about doing things.
- I’m worried that in the final season of Mad Men, Don Draper won’t survive. And I just really can’t handle that on top of all of Frank Underwood’s poor choices on this season of House of Cards.
- I drank two iced coffees today. I’m worried that Splenda is just a gateway drug to margarine and reduced-fat Oreos.
- We took the kids on a short spring break excursion last week and used it as an opportunity to sample pies from a number of different establishments. We went in fully undercover and with grading criteria. I’m worried this picture of Behind-The-Scenes Tech Guru Jason, one bite into a strawberry rhubarb that was apparently missing the strawberry will never stop being funny.
- I’m worried World Pie Domination will never get here fast enough. Hurry up, WPD…we are ready for you, no worries.